The Cost of Complementarianism -- A Personal Perspective

The complementarian doctrine within the church is new . . . and old. It’s new in the sense that it has become quantifiable, more clearly defined, and named. It’s old in that it has permeated the church for a long time.


It was alive and well 30 years ago when I got married. It influenced how I defined my role in this marriage and how I dealt with what I know now to be systemic problems between my husband and me. Had I been more firmly educated in egalitarianism at that time, perhaps I would have dealt differently with the severe problems that I faced year after year after year.

My ex-husband is a serial adulterer. But more than that, he is an addict, addicted to being addicted. From the beginning, he gravitated toward anything and everything that would satisfy his lusts. And literally they have been lusts . . . plural.

For years, I submitted myself to his horrible choices because I felt that he was the head of the household and I must submit to his leadership. Even as I felt compelled to step in—little by little—to take control of situations that were clearly out of control, I also felt guilty. I was stepping into the areas which clearly (or so I thought) belonged to the area of my husband as the family leader.

How much did I fail him by refusing to take a tougher stand earlier on? If I had taken a stance as an equal partner, if I had felt that I had a responsibility as a Christian woman to confront my husband’s sinful behavior, would things have ended up differently? If I had felt that I had rights I could demand in the relationship, I truly believe that things might not have escalated to the point that they have. In that sense, I failed my ex-husband. I failed him by allowing him full reign to make decisions that were clearly flawed, clearly wrong, and then protecting the family by mitigating the resulting circumstances so that my children and I wouldn’t suffer (at least as much as we might have).

I think back to other non-marriage situations in which I was a collaborative partner and where I felt I clearly had the authority to step in and help the process. In every situation, where there were others who were making decisions I felt inappropriate or had the potential to become disastrous, I stepped in. Every time. I have a gift of often being able to objectively see the "whole" of a situation, often long before others do. If I had exercised that gift in our marriage—if I had taken a stand, rather than timidly making suggestions—I’m convinced that our future might have been different. My timidity, my refusal to truly understand an egalitarian marriage became part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

There are those within the comp-egal discussion who believe that the complementarian view is simply another doctrinal view. I disagree. Aside from the developing theological problems, the functional problems which allow male ego to explode, often unchecked are significant.